Sometimes you read a book that’s so bad you can’t review it without publicly humiliating yourself. Fifty Shades of Grey was one such book. For our latest incarnation of Junk Novel Roulette, Aaron decided he could only do E.L. James’s hit novel justice by getting incredibly drunk and rambling into a microphone, so that’s just what he did. You can listen to the whole thing on our special edition Page Count DrunkCast, which you can stream/download here. We were going to write up a full transcript, but that was too much work. Instead, here are a few select excerpts from that magical evening. Look for Sean’s drunken review of Dollhouse by Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian later this summer.

On sex:

So…he’s into her. And he tries to get – he seduces her, sort of. I don’t know. They have sex. It’s just stupid.

On porn:

Porn exists on the Internet for a reason…and that reason is mysterious to me. It’s not at all, I know exactly why.

On morality:

I don’t want to murder anyone while having sex.

On Portland:

that’s where everyone goes to get spanked.

On Fifty Shades of Grey:

This is easily, without question, the worst book I’ve ever read in my entire life.

On Mary Gaitskill’s short story collection, Bad Behavior:

That book is…good book.

On Christian Grey and business:

He’s, like, a young businessman, and, uh, he just does business. His business is just business. He doesn’t have a specific – he doesn’t do shipping. He doesn’t do…publishing. He doesn’t do oil. Or anything. He’s just business. His business – he talks about generic business stuff it’s just like generic business, like “Make sure you copy that, and forward it to my man, and and uh” <laughter> I don’t want to know about it, just do it! It’s so stupid.

On Christian Grey’s sexual preferences:

I don’t like girls that have fully-functioning nervous systems.

On spoiling the ending:

Eventually he spanks the shit out of her, and she’s like “Oh, I don’t like it anymore! Sorry, I have to go!”

On graphic design:

If there was a fist covered in poop on the cover of this book instead of a necktie, I feel like it would’ve set a different tone.