BY SEAN CLARK

It’s everyone’s favorite Hallmark-and-FTD-invented holiday. So grab your honey or your favorite anime lady body pillow, light some scented candles, unwrap some chocolates, and cozy up with a book tonight. If you want some snarky* suggestions of what to read, here are some of our favorite books about pedophiles.

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The End of Alice, by A.M. Homes

This book contains one of the most graphic, stomach-churning scenes I’ve ever read (second only to one Charlotte Roche writes in Wetlands). If that’s not enough to entice you to read it, Homes’ track record of quality writing should.

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The End of Everything, by Megan Abbot

This book caught me by surprise. It manages to be both unnerving and touching (pardon the pun), and Abbott is no slouch of a writer. At times this book flirts with being over-written, but on the whole it is very good and pretty moving. Worth a look. (Read our review.)

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Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a thousand timesLolita is one of the best books ever written. If you haven’t read it before, you should drop whatever your reading and pick this up. At the very least, it’s definitely the best book every written with a child predator for a narrator. (Read our review.)

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Touched, by Jerry Sandusky

I’m not sure if the existence of this book (pre boy-rape allegations) and the irony of its title are more funny or sad, but I’m leaning towards sad. Even the picture is unnerving. (Note: I haven’t actually read this book, and don’t plan to. You shouldn’t either.)

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Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer

The Twilight books are not good books by any definition we care to acknowledge, but they do do a good job of doing what they set out to do–one of those things, of course, is to tell a “love” saga about an underage girl and an older, predatory monster asserting power over her through sexual manipulation. (Note: I actually have read this book and its sequels. You shouldn’t bother.)

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*We in no way support the idea of actual pedophilia, please choose a valentine appropriate for your age, and keep in mind that if you actually spend tonight reading any of these books alone it’s a little creepy.

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